Anniversary Column - Readers' emails

Part 7: An annotated collection of quotes taken from bizarre job emails sent to our editorial staff

Following an old tradition, I'm publishing selected, anonymized emails (most of them in their entirety) - complete with tongue-in-cheek comments.

NOTE: spelling and grammatical errors encountered in the German emails have been translated as well as possible.

Job applications

“I want to work for www.notebookcheck.net, because I am techno g33k.“
A name was provided, but titles and greetings are decidedly superfluous - obviously we're dealing with somebody who knows what really counts. 

Although he ended up being more chatty ...
“I Need This job . “
...then this gentlemen. We don't want to divulge too much information, do we - because the NSA is always listening. At least he shared his name.

“I need the job”
Different person, but the same plethora of information.

“Applying job for translator“
An expert job applicant! Complete sentences are obviously not needed when applying for a job as a translator. Compared to the application-nuggets above, at least we get an idea what he's applying for – application 2.0.

“need job in note book check”
I guess my standards are simply too high when it comes to job applications.

“I DOESN'T HAVE AN BACKGROUND THAT SUPPORTS ME BUT I HAVE POWER OF TECH. SO I THINK I AM A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR THIS JOB. “
He feels the force, the power of technology. Maybe he's a Master of the Universe or a Transformer? Hopefully he won't succumb to the dark side of the force. Unfortunately, I just wasn't strong enough to approve his application. 

“I wanna wokr for translating englih to turkish department. my mother langguage is turkish and i know english as well.“
“As well” – he knows English as well as he does Turkish? I wonder how good his Turkish is?

“I'm interested in a Hardware Editor position. I live in the United States and English is my primary language. I'm currently an IT Help Desk technician for a medium-sized company.
I have no prior experience in the journalism or editing fields, but I do have a strong command of the English language and tend to be somewhat of a grammar Nazi (for lack of a better title).“

Without a doubt: Central Europeans are crazy about Nazis, even if they are just "grammar Nazis".

“Hiermit bewerbe ich mich um ein Aufhilsjob bei Apple, als Studentische aushilffe “ ["Hereby I'm applying for temproary employment at Apple, as a student temp worker"]
Funny, our site notice doesn't mention anywhere that we are an Apple subsidiary.

“Hiermit bewerbe ich mich als studentische aushilfe, im Apple Store. Ich war bis jetzt im verkauf von Lebensmitteln zuständig, habe den Umgang mit Menschen gelert. Es fellt mir einfaher unentschloßene Kunden/ Geste zu Beraten. Ich würde gerne bei Möglichkeit, auf 400€ Bassis arbeiten, wenn dies nicht möglich sein würde, dann auf Teilzeit. Über eine rückmeldung würde ich mich freuen.“ ["Hereby I'm applying as a temporary worker, at the Apple Store. So far, I have been working in a grocery store, and lerned to deal with people. It's esy for me to give advice to undecided customers / gests. I would like to have it possible, to work for 400 Euro base, but if not, then part time. Looking forward to hearing back from you."]
The same author again - she's persistent.

“hasan job”
An application couldn't possibly be more minninal - aside from the fact that some email-senders don't volunteer their real name.

“i speak english and german very well. i born in germany . I would the german- english translate job. im a student in an university in turkey . im turkish but i lived in germany 11 years. I learned english in high school and in internet. “

Technical questions and purchase recommendations

As always, we need to point out that our mail form has a very visible (bold, red, huge font) reminder telling the user that we don't offer personal advice.

“how to connect internet card to tablet ?” 

“have no toolbar showing how to bold etc how do i get it? “
Both of these users go quite in-depth when describing their problems. As we said earlier - these are not excerpts, but the complete email.

“I bought one of your tablets 3 months ago and now it will not take a charge. It also has started flashing uncontralable “
Throughout the years, readers of our website have been trying to convince us that they bought their devices from us and it's our job to repair them.

“mon ordinateur ne peut pas demarrer “
His computer won't start. So how exactly does he write an email? Yea, I know, he has a secondary computer as well. Sorry, I just couldn't resist taking a shot at this one.

“Por favor, o teclado do Sony Vaio VPCZ13M9E/B, pode ser português?”
Direct translation: can the keyboard of the Sony....be Portuguese? But of course - just apply for a keyboard-citizenship in Lisbon or Brasilia and you're all set.

“Cracked screen on arnova tablet”
No, that's also not just a fragment taken out of context.

“Hi,
I have a notebook, HP nx9600 that I upgraded to Windows 7 but it wasn't getting proper airflow and I believe it overheated and blew the graphics chip which is "onboard," ati mobility radeon x600.  I tried to get a motherboard off of eBay but didn't have any luck and am now considering learning how to replace a chip on the board.  I see that you don't give advice via mail though.
Whoops.“
And what now, Whoops?

“sir my tablet is asking for email n PW which ihv given for sevrel time but its not open can you guide me how to reset and i ll stat browsing again thanx”

“Can you please help.
just perchased joy tab, from ideal world.
can not get option menu, by touching sreen.
main screen, only wallpaper menu ??
have tried resseting.
only a week old .
many thanks.
mr r r e ware. “
“mr r r e ware” was also listed in the subject line. I wonder if r r e is an abbreviation for his three first names?

“buenas tardes, les podria preguntar cuanto cuesta para colombia,especificamente medellin antioquia.y como es el envio de un portatil PORTATIL GATEWAY NV53A52U. negro.
muchas gracias....“
To put it simply, he's asking how much it costs to ship a US laptop to Columbia. That reminds me of requests for battery suppliers in Lesotho and notebook distributors in Ulan Baator.

“necesito comprar un equipo HP Elite Book 8460, procesador Intel Core i5 Vpro.
Antivirus.
Ofice original me pueden indicar el costo de cada cosa y el lugar donde lo puedo comprar, yo estoy en la colonia Rome en México DF.
URGENTISIMO“
No, that's not about the capitol of Mongolia, but rather a certain part of Mexico City or a province. Unfortunately I don't happen to have a price list of anti-virus software and laptops handy, even if it's rather urgent.

“I've just tried to use my computer but it has been locked by a website and won't let me unlock it unless I pay 100 pounds! I don't understand why it's done it i payed a lot of money for my laptop and I don't want it to be locked by a website I've never seen me before and I'd like to know that you would sort my laptop out please I aren't paying 100 pounds for the unblock!“
Spammers will always find their victims....

“Wenn ich vor dem PC sitze ist seitlich rechts unten ein fach das Mann raus nehmen kann.und ich weiß nicht für was das fach ist? ich habe ein acer ASPIRE 8920G können sie mir helfen Danke im voraus.Mein Freund sagte es wehre für eine Maus gedacht.“ ["When I sit in front of my computer, there's a tray on the right that comes out. I don't know what it is for? i have an acer ASPIRE 8920G can you help Thanks in advance. My friend tells me it's suppoosed to be for a mouse."]
All together now: it's a cup holder!!!

“pls i bey for notebook is nogood pls pls call this numer 004...”

“The mouse is not working on my computer it looks like it has frozen when my child was playing games so i do not know how to unlock it.”
Immediately contact M.I.T. or Marvel Comics. The child obviously has superpowers if he or she is able to freeze things (yea, we know that he's talking about a computer that's locked up).

“pls send file update my pc”
What for? So we don't forgot answering emails like that?

“So much hype about Chronos 7, but I asked everywhere in Kuching city, Malaysia, I could not find anybody selling the series! WTF? Pl explain. Tq.”
Please ask the King of Malaysia, he probably has a better idea than I do.

“i am a computer science student an want to purchase a laptop that fulfill my programing demands . Now i am also a gaming freak and want to play all the latest games like "battlefield 3" "crysis2" "the elder scrolls 5 skyrim" etc...   may be not in the ultra mode but with moderate settings. my budget is 40k. i want to buy the ASUS K53SV-SX520D laptop as it has got a second generation i5 procsseor along with 2 gb nvidia gt 540m graphic...“
Well, if his budget is 40K US Dollars or Euro, he can buy half of Asus' gaming laptop offerings. Might be an Asian currency, though. I can only repeat it: I'm not clairvoyant.

“Verfüge Aspire 5633 W LNi - bin zufrieden. ["Owning Aspire 5633 W LNi - am happy."]
Funktioniert ein Betriebssystem wie Windows über USB-Schnittstelle? ["Does an operating system like Windows work through a USB port?"]
Produziert weiter 4-USB-Anschlüssen, kom-biniert mit 2.0 und 3.0. Nachfrage besteht zu Digital-TV-Kafrte, die Video-texte speichern kann. ["Continue producing 4-USB-ports, com-bined with 2.0 and 3.0. Demand is for a digital TV crard, which can save video-text."]
"Was ist Blu-ray-Discs?“ ["What is Blu-ray disc?"]

“Quanto custa um computador portátil em dolar ?”
Translation: "How much does a notebook cost in Dollar?"
To be able to read emails like this one, I once studied Portuguese. Definitely time well spent!

“HELLO I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH A WIRELESS MOUSE MAYBEE HAVE YOUR ANSWERD HOW THE MOUSE WORKS?”

“Hi i need parts the sony VGN-FW560F
the butoom power left parts have lithg green”

“where can I find an explanation of the functions of the keys and keyboard?
I don't know what the F keys are for or anything much about the T60 thinkpad and keyboard.“
Well at least he can use the regular keys - you can't have it all.

“QUERIA HACER UNA CONSULTA TENGO EL SONY VAIO Y QUERIA SABER A QUE TECLA DEBO DE APRETAR PARA FORMATEAR EL PC“
He wants to know which key will format the laptop.

“After such a great review that answer is not much help at all. I do not see how it could be a problem to give me, if you know, a number of outlets in Thailand. Cannot see any conflic of interest at zll. Disappointing“
Not sure what answer he's referencing and what conflict of interest he's talking about.

“Habe mir vor Kurzem Laptop G gekauft.
Video von der Kamera von Panasonic-NV-GS140 konnte nicht importiert werde!
Warum??? ["I recently bought Laptop G. Video from camera from Panasonic-NV-GS140 couldn't be imported. Why???"]
Given the error report, the remote diagnosis is as always a bit of a challenge. 

“Could someone please tell me how to UNDOCK this contraption?  I see the icon for undocking, I see the button on the left and the lever on the left - still all three together will not undock.  I am so frustrated with this I want to give it away.“
Well, I'm frustrated having to read some of these emails.

“ik wiel niuew program van e machines g725“
Translation: I need a new program of the device G725 T

“hi sir we want loptop compte rlike model no,D525 intel atom compter so pls give us all info to me”

“How can you reinstall Dell studio 1558 System on a new hard disk.  I have the 2 disk that comes with the computer.  Are these required?”

“I have new notebook computer that requires me to insert a password before having access to the computer. What do i do?“

“Can a Go 7950 GTX be repaired? Cost ? Dell XPS 1710 laptop“

Purchase Requests

Throughout years we've failed to convince all of our reader that we don't sell anything.

“mı pc board get offı need board lg A1“

“want to bnuy laptop“
That's the entire mail, I swear.

“Dear Sirs,
Please help!
I have a NOS box of Intel Intel Celeron M P4500 IC with gold pins. I have seen they worth over $ 80 each. Are they any interest to you I haver a box of about 45 pcs
Let me know
Thanks
Bob“
Somebody who wants to sell something to (instead of buying from) Notebookcheck - the second-hand surplus electronic parts store. If I had to guess, I'm probably not supposed to ask where he got the components from.

“i got very interested in buyung a notebook Asus N73SV. I would like to know abt language if i can set it, and even if there is some difficult in caming in with it in my country Brazil by your corrier, door to door.”
I guess people just skim our site when they visit. Otherwise I simply have no explanation for the fact that some stubbornly seem to think that we are a global online store.

“i want two hp4530s probook laptops please qoute me”
If we indeed had an online store, it would be interesting to know where the potential buyer resides. Some people seem to think that the global trade is simpler than it really is.

“je veux payer et je ne sais pas comment faire“
Translation: "I'd like to pay but I don't know how". And that's the entire text. Of course, I could send him our bank account information, but I doubt that's going to work...

“I have booked the notebook vide ID No.PM2EADB by sending a Cheque for Rs.2999/- ( SBI, N.Delhi Cheque No.899301 datd 03.05.12.  The cheque has been cleared on 19.05.12. Since then no news so far.  What is the status of my booking?  When will it delivered at Perath House, Killimangalam Post, Thrissur Dist., Kerala- 680591. An early reply is requested.“
I didn't get a check nor did I cash it.

“Friede sei mit euch und Gottes Gnade und Segen,
Ich freue mich auf die gesegnete Eid al-Fitr und jedes Jahr gratulieren, Sie sind alle gut, und Gott zu bitten, mir und euch und alle muslimischen Männer und Frauen Glück in dieser Welt und im Jenseits, und ihn bitten, unser Fasten, wir und alle unsere Unternehmen nehmen ....... Amen.
Ich möchte auf Ihrem Sony Xperia M oder Sony Xperia C erhalten
Jedes Jahr, alles in Ordnung
Bitte akzeptieren Sie meine aufrichtigen Grüße und Wertschätzung “ ["Peace be with you and God's grace and blessings. I'm looking forward to the blessed Eid al-Fitr and every year congratulate, you are all great, and to ask God, me and you and all male and female Muslims good fortune in this world and in the next, and we ask him, our fasting, we and all of us our undertakings....Amen. I would like to receive your Sony Xperia M or Sony Xperia C. Every year, everythink is OK. Please accept my greetings and appreciation."]
Televangelists are out, prayers via email are in. Wait, if I understand him correctly, he wants a Sony laptop from us? Gee, who needs earthly goods when the kingdom of heaven awaits?

“Hello, excuse me, could you give (for free) the most simple laptop. . .“
Notebookcheck – worldwide supplier of laptops free of charge!

“hi, present me free simple laptop with intel B960...“
Free - well, of course, no problem! By the way - either this is a different person, or the same one under a different name.

“u have the paypal account?”
Yea and so what? Some people must suffer intense pain each time they press a key on the keyboard. That obviously stops them from writing more and drives those poor tormented souls out of their mind.

“We thank you for sending us an invoice for the purchase of a HP ProBook 4430s”
The company name doesn't ring a bell and the address was missing.

“seeing  Brazilwhich way to pay the company?" Oh, money always finds its way to us - *ahem*

"you can send leptop ratio and price?
you send to Brazil?
you do drop-shipping?
Send price list Product   leptops 13 "15" 17 '18 "operating system information
How long to arrive in Brazil ?
to where is your company ?
you do drop shipping?
accept visa card payment”
So many questions - unfortunately, I'm overwhelmed.

“We have browsed through your company website and found out that your esteemed company is in LCD panel business. ...“
Well, maybe you should practice browsing a bit more...

“Senden Sie uns die Preis für Ihre protukt:Acer-Ferrari 5000 ...”
That's an ancient model, nobody in their right mind would want to buy that today.

“my company will like to know what your company sell......do you sell new laptop....blackberry......ipad....iphone......ipod.....it will be nice if your company send the price list....because my company will like to buy in large goods..it will be nice to hear fro you back my friend....it will be nice to see those product price list....“
Buy in large goods? Yea yea, I'm gullible...

“Where is Acer Aspire 4732Z ?“
 Another lost soul who thinks he bought a laptop from us.

“möchte ich mich informiren übetr netbook und kaufen , brauche ich ihre telefon nummer." [“need information abuot netbook and buying, need your phone number."]
No, I'm definitely not going to hand out my phone number.

“when i will get my notebook 1 malaysia.”

“hello i want to buy a battery”

“ich benötiger 50 laptop
wei soll ich , oder wo sool ich schreiben wegen angebot
mit frudliche grüsse " ["I need 50 laptop hwo should I, or where shuold I write for offer besst regards“
...and I need patience and understanding.

“Bitte lassen Sie uns Service Stellen in Zimbabwe zukommen.
Wo kann dort Garantie geleistet bzw. Service geleistet werden?
Bitte um baldige Antwort. Es geht um ein Handelsvolumen von 300000€ an Acer Rechnern." ["Please send to our Service Centers in Zimbabwe. Where can warranty be performed respectively service performed? Please answer soon. The trade volume is 300000 Euro for Acer laptops."]
300k€ - wow, we are really missing out.

“I have a bussiness proposal of $40 million united states dollars for you. If intrested contact me for more information.“
Well, this particular scam is overused and trivial and everybody knows it.

“Greetings to the Austrian carbon-based biped who calls himself Klaus Hinum.
I do very much enjoy your earthling technologies, most notably the Altair 8080.  But what was its purpose other than to generate different patterns of lights?  Could you please send some software to run on my unit that has a practical use?  I do not find flashing LEDs amusing.
Additionally, I need a battery to replace the ailing one in my aging ThinkPad 700.  Your earthling battery technologies are still very primitive.  Do you think you could manufacture one for me?  I understand your limited amounts of manual dexterity need assistance from complex machinery, but I can compensate in Carbon-13.  As I believe your brother, James Bond 007, once said, "Diamonds are forever!"  Please note that I have been unable to obtain such a battery, even in the best of bodegas on the moons of Endor.  Can you believe that?!
Please also note that I would like assistance with your much improved Windows 7.  I have already abducted and brainwashed and returned to his commune an engineer in Redmond to help me, but his assistance often proves unsatisfactory.  He also does not bathe very frequently.  At least he is more pleasant to work with than the irascible Steven Anthony Ballmer or his arch-nemesis, Steven Paul Jobs.
Why are your most intelligent geeks so often named Steven?  I your bother Stefan a geek with skills superior to yours?
Please send the battery and any information to:“
An email from an extraterrestrial and quite talkative quipster

Various other emails

“To the makers of the cq57, you people have created the worst notebook yet. This thing is so slow and I read your transfer rates and you must be living in a dream world. My C.P. CQ57 started out slow from the time I bought it til now. I guarentee you that I will never buy another compaq presario notebook and the one I do have I smashed and threw away. Start making good products and quit ripping off the public.”
We are neither the manufacturer of this product, nor is our email a forum. On the other hand, he did manage to reach his goal, because his message did end up reaching the public.

“Möchte Ihren produkt anbieten wollen und auch was Sie mir entberren können gern vorstellend präsentieren dürfen. Da ich neu im Geschäft bin und jegliche Wege versuche mir anzueignen, bitte ich mir Infos und Presänte zuzuschicken . " ["Wanting to offer yours product and also what you have sparre and would presenting like showing. Since I'm new in the business and try to acquire all ways, I'm asking you to send me info and giffts.“]
He's new in the business, really?

“i want contact detail for ahmedabad,gujarat, india as early as possible. “
It's quite embarrassing, but I don't think we have a representative in Ahmedabad.

“new product launching.” 
That's the entire email

“Good sir/ma. Please i want to be one of HP dealer or sub-dealer in Nigeria.“
Well, I'm not going to forward that to HP.

“pubblish more fucking articles!!! especially in week end. fuckin wankers probably playings farmwille all daY“
We do very much appreciate this constructive proposal. "Fuckin wankers" is indeed a very interesting and thought-out word combination.

“hi,i want info my proper lucky prise.thank you”

“i'm presanoly using Acer I'm do try to us outher produck rater then Acer form my colick chuch as compaq/ Dell/Hp .but unforcunaly they not gift me confert like Acer dase i'm hope Acer can devalop more advance & more fecurastick more & more in upcoming month & year's “

I have absolutely no idea what he wants.

“hi greething i'm loking fore abaut Acer technologi whit & i'm whant to know abaut more abaut acer produck what caind spake that acer have rather then outher produck of laptop whode you people help me becouse i'm doving as test hope can get same help“
The same sender as before. I still don't have a clue.

“sehr geehrte Damen und Herren,
wir vertreten in rechtlicher Hinsicht die Firma w2w Möbelsysteme GmbH, Sandhof 2, 86529 Schrobenhausen.
Aus dem Internet entnehmen wir, dass auch Ihr Unternehmen unter der Bezeichnung Asus-w2w firmiert und damit gegebenenfalls eine Kollision mit der Firmierung unserer Mandantschaft zustandekommt, die wettbewerbsrechtlich und auch markenrechtlich gegebenenfalls problematisch sein könnte. Wir dürfen sie deshalb um Mitteilung bitten, ob sich aus irgendeinem Rechtsgrund eine Berechtigung von Ihrer Seite für die Benutzung dieser Firmenkennzeichnung w2w ergibt bzw. woraus Sie eine solche Berechtigung ableiten. Für diese Berechtigungsanfrage erbitten wir eine Antwort bis morgen, 21.10.2010 abends 17:00 Uhr. Selbst wenn sich eine wettbewerbsrechtliche oder rechtliche Kollision ergibt, so würden wir eventuell in Erwägung ziehen eine Abgrenzungsvereinbarung vorzunehmende in der Richtung, dass von unserer Mandantschaft dieses Unternehmenskennzeichen lediglich für Möbel und sonstige Wohnaccessoires verwendet wird, während Sie die Firmenkennzeichnung dann im Falle einer solchen Abgrenzungsvereinbarung für Notebooks und Notebookreparaturen sowie für den Verkauf von Notebooks verwenden könnten. Wir bitten insoweit also auch dazu um Ihre Stellungnahme, um ggf. einen kostspieligen Rechtsstreit zu vermeiden.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen, Dr. ..., Rechtsanwalt“ ["To whom it may concern,
We are the legal representatives of w2s Möbelsysteme GmbH, Sandhof 2, 86529 Schrobenhausen. As we discovered during a recent Internet search, your company operates under the name Asus-w2w, which could potentially conflict with our client's corporate name and thus could cause both competitive as well as trademark-related complications in the future. We need to ask you to supply us with legal evidence regarding the possible justification for your company's use of that name. We hope to hear back from you by tomorrow, October 21st, 2010, by 5:00 PM. Even if we should determine that competitive and/or trademark issues exist, we possibly might consider entering a coexistence agreement which would stipulate our client's use of the above name for furniture and home accessories, while your company could, if such a coexistence agreement was indeed entered, operate under the corporate name for the purpose of selling and repairing notebooks. We do ask you for your statement regarding this issue to avoid the potential of an expensive legal dispute. With best regards, ...., Attorney at Law."
I guess they managed to find the review of a certain Asus notebook during a Google search, skimmed said review, concluded from the title that "Asus-w2w" has to be part of our company name and proceeded to formulate a highly threatening email. A clarification I sent out remained unanswered. Makes me think of a joke: What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common? Both have a million to one chance of becoming human.